Early Christmas Morning (12:35 a.m.)

I know, I have a lot to blog about the weeks before; the road trip and all, a doozie! I have been sick for about 2 weeks now, I guess the flu.
But, here I find myself listening to Pandora, and playing games on the computer, drinking a glass or 2 or 3 of wine, while DH and The Teacher snooze. As soon as I realized that it was midnight, I of course, thought of my son, Jeffrey. This will be our 3rd Christmas without him. How much I miss him, and that he should be here with us. I STILL to THIS DAY..... some how think that if I pray hard enough, that I can reverse time, and change the past, that I can bring him back.... flesh and blood, so I can hug & kiss him again; and just talk to him. To hear his wit, and his laugh, just his voice.... ah it hurts so. I don't mean to be oblivious to others' pain and grief out there, and I hope and pray that their pain subsides, but this is mine.
Christmas morning will never be the same again. But, this year we did put up a tree (for our daughter), and my BFF and my godchildren came to help decorate the tree. We waited until the Teacher came home so we could decorate it together. That was so much fun. The children brought life back into our home that had not been there in a while. They were so delightful and loving; not as if the presents had anything to do with it; It helped to take away the pain today that we will feel tomorrow. But, I know I have to be strong, for my daughter. I think that it upsets her even more when I'm upset, so I'll have to TRY VERY HARD.
On that note, I hope y'all have a very Merry Christmas, and enjoy your children while they are young and, no matter how aggravating it seems at times, during the school year or the terrible twos, don't wish for them to grow up too fast, as they will be gone from your home soon enough.

First Day of Travel to Bro's Graduation from SFA

I'm back from a wonderful visit with my brother, his wife and their 2 sons. I traveled with my mom, my other brother and his wife. My DH had to drop me off in another town first, to be able to travel with them; so here is how our first travel day went.

My DH & I stopped for a "potty/drink/snack" break 2 hrs into drive. On my way out of the store, I opened the door to our truck, as my DH proceeded to move my dark brown jacket towards him from my seat so I could climb into my seat. WHOA! That wasn't my jacket I saw move...! That was a DOG!!!!

Ah, it comes with old age, major life change, and/or, JDGAD (just don't give a damn anymore) attitude, i.e., not careful with your whereabouts and, "So who cares" (like my 3 yr old daughter used to say).

Well, when I discovered that, THAT WAS A DOG in the truck which door I had just opened, I IMMEDIATELY SLAMMED IT SHUT!! While in shock, I spun around to see "our truck" just a few feet away, I hurriedly jogged to our truck with my hand over my mouth, laughing & freaked out at the same time, and with this OMG sound gurgling from my throat!

I climbed into "our truck", and my DH just stared at me and wanted to know WTF? So, I just said "I THOUGHT THAT WAS OUR TRUCK!! DH said that the guy who was filling up with gas was just laughing! I asked, OMG! The guy was there??? Oh yeah! SO, we HAD to drive up the "few feet" to the "guy" pumping gas, so I could apologize for freaking him and his dog out!

Thankfully, he just laughed and said I wondered???...... But, no prob.... Jack didn't seem to mind. Apparently, I startled Jack, but he just jumped to the driver's seat, and that's when I slammed the door shut! Since Jack was mostly dark brown w/white markings (pretty collie mix), that's why I just saw my jacket fly to the other seat! All"s well, that ends well....., Thanks to Jack & Jack's Master!

Visit to Jeffrey's Place & Christmas Without Jeffrey

I went back to HobLob to find out if the vases for Jeffrey's place had come in. They did not, so I picked up some smaller ones. Since these only have a 2" stick at the bottom, they won't stand up. Especially with the wind down here, so I had to dig (with water to soften up the ground), and put the vases at least half way down. The Christmas flowers with the cute little ornaments look very nice.

Then I went to Lisa's place to add some flowers and an ornament. The flowers her mom and put in the vase the other day had blown out, so when I added my flowers, that helped to keep them in place. They look very nice too.

Well, the persons I spoke with regarding care of Jeffrey's headstone had no other solution than "soap & water". Yeah, like that works. I've been searching the internet for marble cleaners and found some info for "marble cleaner for headstones", so I just need to go from there. A couple of places I've read about them say you can only get certian ones different places. I might have to order online, since we're such a small town. We'll see.

We have decided to put up a Christmas tree and decorations this year. We hadn't felt like it, and I wasn't going to for evermore, cuz it's just not the same, or ever will be. But, I asked our daughter "The Teacher" if she wanted us to, and she said yes, so we will do it for her. She will be coming home for Christmas. We might even go to the beach for a while after dinner. Though I'm so not in the mood to celebrate Christmas, I'll have to try.... for DH & for her. It's so difficult.

On the bright side! My BFF & her DH, and Lil'Gal and Farmer Jr., will be coming by to help decorate the tree the night the Teacher comes home! That will be a tremendous help. And then I get to give the little ones their Christmas gifts from US! Can't wait to see their faces! TG for BFFs!

We will, of course, still include Jeffrey in opening presents, by talking to him, laughing and crying with him (as we tell stories about him ~ embarrasing ones to make us laugh), putting a check in his stocker for his scholarship fund, and possibly buy a comic book figure which he collected over the years (I'm looking for a curio cabinet to put his collection in); and having a glass of wine for him at dinner table, along with the candles that we light for him every year. You know, when Jeffrey was little, he used to come into our bedroom on Christmas morning at the crack of dawn every year and yell "IT'S CHRISTMAS! SANTA CAME, SANTA CAME!!" Hurry, get up!! He did that well into his teens; amazing, right? I miss that.

One thing that will keep us laughing is our Teacher's little dog. Bently is a TeaCup Yorkie. He is adorable (all 5 pounds of him)! We wrap his presents too, in one big box. Then, the Teacher, opens up the box and he gets all excited cuz he knows something is in there for him! Then he jumps in the box all excited, and we start throwing all the toys across the room for him to chase, and chase he does! He's just like a bunny rabbit.... jumping all the time! He's too cute!

Well, time to go. I have to get things in order to leave tomorrow for Lufkin to see my baby bro finally graduate from Stephen F. Austin University! Looking forward to seeing him and his lovely wife and our 2 nephews! Hope Y'all have a good day!

Annual Christmas Gifts

The large company that my DH works for takes requests for Christmas gifts for the local Child Protective Services, for the children who reside there.

The first December after Jeffrey passed, DH asked me if I wanted to choose the child on the list. I looked at the list and saw the there was a child that wanted skateboard related toys, i.e., finger skateboards and, I don't remember what else. Well, I immediately wanted to get everything on the list that he requested. So, we purchased as much as possible. This was the most difficult thing for me to do. I was happy that we were getting a Christmas present for a "boy" who had requested "skateboarding" toys. So, through our tears, we purchased them at the check out counter and brought the toys home for DH to take to CPS the next day. I was happy the boy was getting what he wanted for Christmas, but it was bitter-sweet.

I may have forgotten to mention that my Jeffrey was an avid Skateboarder (since he was 6 yrs old) and photographer/videographer. He was just beginning to build his career and open up a skateboard/video shop. So, you can see why buying presents for a "boy" and especially for "skateboarding" material, really pleases me. It's almost like I am getting something for Jeffrey.

Last December we were lucky enough to find another boy who wanted skateboarding products. But, this time, we selected a boy who actually requested a skateboard!! I can't tell you how excited I was to purchase a skateboard! For those of you who don't know, a skateboard comes in many parts and either the store puts it all together, or the skateboarder puts it together once he learns all the names of the parts.,and learns how to put it together.

Well, I've learned most of the ins and outs while purchasing Jeffrey's skateboards these many years. Jeffrey had VERY MANY BEST FRIENDS! I do not exaggerate! Everyone loved him. Well, one of his best friends now owns a skateboard/surfing shop. So, today DH & I went to the shop and purchased the deck, ball berrings, trucks, grip tape, oh, just everything to put it together. We also got two Skateboard magazines: Thrasher and Skateboarder; a beanie, and STICKERS!! You don't know how important it is to have stickers for these boys! Jeffrey has filled his bedroom door with stickers since he was 7yrs. old, and I let him. I thought it was great! He had such a personality you could not imagine. I treasure that door.

Some of these things that we got for this boy were extra things we just knew he would love, as Jeffrey did. We also ordered a Tony Hawk skateboarder poster. Oh, the boy is 13 yrs. old. I can just imagine how excited he will be when he opens these packages from SANTA! I wish I could see his face when he opens his presents. Oh, I don't know if the boy still believes in Santa, but that is what the CPS will put on the labels.

It just so happened that when we arrived, another best friend of Jeffrey's was there, Reid. Reid put the skateboard together. It was Reid (that almost became a professional skateboarder) and, who was going to open the skatebaord shop with Jeffrey.

Well, that was my day. Hope y'all had a good one.

Visits to Jeffrey's Place

So, Ms. C. and I went to visit our kids. We had loads of Christmas Flowers and ornaments to hang from the stems. We waited for the Family Service Counselor at Jeffrey's place so we could talk about his marker. After a long talk, and various scenarios how this could have happened, I was convinced that a mower had not done this. So, Mr. counselor told me that he would call Memorial Park (who created Jeffrey's Marble marker), and ask for ways to clean up the marker and remove the scratches. I'll be talking to him on Monday.

I was not able to put up Jeffrey's flowers because Hobby Lobby was out of the vases that I use. Ms. C. & I went to Lisa's place and decorated her place. I'll have to check back on Monday to find out if the vases came in.

Visits to Jeffrey's Place

Today is a day to visit Jeffrey's place. First, I will be going to Hobby Lobby and pick up some Christmas Flowers to decorate his place. I will not be going alone. A long time friend of mine (30 yrs), Ms. C, will be going with me. Ms. C's 19 yr old daughter, Lisa, passed away 6 months after my son did. How freaky is that? I will share her story once I ask her about it. So, Ms. C and I usually pick up some flowers, either silk or fresh, then we go to visit our kids, and clean up their areas.

I have a bag in which I carry a grass clipper, flower cutter (for plastic stems), and bottles of water for the flowers and the grass (in case the water hose is not at the faucet), and food for the flowers. In the summer (all 9 months of it down here), my DH and I fertilize the grass. I just learned there is winter fertilizer as well, so I fertilized last month. It really does work! The grass in turning green again.

On my last visit to see Jeffrey's place, I noticed that his marble marker had been scratched, and his picture with a plastic case had been broken. I will be talking to the caretakers about this. Not a pleasant discussion, since if they cannot fix the scratches on the marker, they will have to remove it to replace it. I'm not feeling too good about that.

Well, it is time for me to stop writing, as Ms. C. will be picking me up at 1:30. So, off I go to get ready. I will let you know what happens.

New At This

Well, it's taken me a long time to get on here, but friends tell me that writing a journal/blog, will help. I don't know exactly what I want to say at this time, but maybe, I'll think of some things as the days go by. I've come out of my fog, and now I'm trying to get things done. It is happening very slowly. More later, hopefully.