When You Finally Come to a Horrible Realization

This is something you will never know unless you lose a child. The first year, I was in a Fog; in Disbelief that anything bad, had happened to my son. That this was all a horrible mistake/nightmare. That any day now, the authorities would tell me that they had found him and he was just fine and they would be bringing him home any minute. Even though I KNEW that the Police were of NO HELP; That it was my girlfriend and I who were the ones to find him; that I was the one to try to pull him from the wreckage, 30 feet down into the creek. Oh, I Prayed, prayed, and prayed.... even though, ever since I had found him, that he would not respond, that I was so dismayed and hurt, and in disbelief, that my God, whom I had been so faithful to, would take my young son from me. I still have issues with God. I'm not happy about it. But, I can't believe that he would allow this to happen to such a wonderful, honest, beautiful boy, that actually brought light and good into this world. I kept seeing Jeffrey walk through the door after work. Just happy go lucky as he was, always.
The second year, I came to the realization that this was, beyond horrible belief, that this was true! Although I had wished for the authorities to tell me a different story..... I should not have! You see, When I called for help from the police after 24 hours after he was missing, and actually filed a missing persons report, they mimicked me. The officer said: "Oh, since he is only 22 yrs old, he is probably just parting with some girls some place." I insisted "NO, None of his friends have heard from him and that is very unusal! At least a couple of friends would have heard from him! He is VERY responsible and would not miss work!"
He ignored me. So I asked, "So, does this mean the police are not going to look for him?!!" He said: "No". I was so furious that I just left the room. Besides being furious at a police officer that was supposed to help us, I had in the back of my mind, that if I lost it and attacked the officer, that I couldn't look for Jeffrey myself. The Police were GOOD FOR NOTHING. Don't EVER rely on the
POLICE!!
The second year, I sort of came to the conclusion that this was For REAL, not really wanting to believe it. Still, there was a part of me that hoped, wished and prayed, that I was in a horrible nightmare, and that Jeffrey was healthy and alive, and would be coming home just anytime now. I knew him being gone was a fact, but yet, I held on to that hope. I wanted Jeffrey back so very badly. I just knew I could make it happen! Just to look at his photographs, it seems that he will be walking in the door any moment.
Here it is, the 3rd year. I am planning to have a ceremony to acknowledge his passing; and of course, planning a party to celebrate his birthday and to invite all of his friends. The 3rd year seems to "FINALLY, be acknowledged as true". It is a very, very sad acknowledgement, but nevertheless, a truth that was never wanted to be believed. So, so sad. How do you acknowledge something as catastrophic as this that you have not wanted to acknowledge as true?
Jeffrey did take his vacation trips in the fall/winter with his friends to go snowboarding in Colorado, New Mexico, or California; or just somewhere.... During those times we were used to him being gone for a few weeks, at least. Sometimes, that is exactly what we felt was happening. Jeffrey and his friends were just away on a "fun" trip.
It's been so difficult to come to the realization of reality, being this, the 3rd year, and true.