HELPING OTHERS IN TIME OF TRADEGY

ProHomeMaker has just written a wonderful piece on things to do and not to do in helping the bereaved. These were great tips! Being through this myself, I thought I'd add a few more.

Clean home: This is the LAST thing you would want to think of, yet it becomes one of the first, because you know people will be stopping by and this was the week you did not clean house. Why should this matter to you? Why do you think of this when something as serious as this has happened? That, I do not know the answer to. You should not care, but that is how I thought that day. So, through your continuous tears, you automatically start cleaning house, though all you want to do is collapse and cry your eyes out, scream and ask God, "Why?"

THEN, your best friends come over and ask what do you need me to do? One has left her sick family to help out and one has cancelled all of her hair appointments at her salon to help me. I was overwhelmed in the support that these two ladies showed. They did ask, "what do you need me to do?" I didn't know what to tell them, other that we were cleaning house. Then, they just stepped in and started cleaning. My DH and I were in my son's room trying to pick up, yet giving in to sobs as we tried to pick up. These ladies were God sent. We had so much more to contend with. It was something we knew had to be done, but needed to forget about, so we could grieve, something that we had just learned about an of hour before.

These friends were my life-line at the time. My DH and I had to call our daughter from the accident scene to the school in which she was a teacher. Our hearts wrenched, as we heard her screams over the telephone and not being there to hold her. I had to take over, cuz my DH could not go on. Her co-worker teachers and principal, helped her get on a flight to our hometown. My BFF went to pick her up at the airport. It's Horrible to think of, but my daughter had to call to remind us that she was at the airport. How badly I felt that I had forgotten to ask someone to pick her up from the airport.

Suggest what you can do: Pro is correct in for you to suggest some things that they might be able to do for you, only waiting for you to agree to some of those things. Just take a look at the grieving person and notice when you strike a cord, then tell them you are on the way to do just that. Be back later..... A grieving one is not thinking clearly, mostly not thinking at all, because that person is in "shock"; and, except what is making her/him grieve! They DO NEED for someone to think for them. All they are concerned with is to collapse (each bereaved is different). Since I had been up 4 days with no sleep just wondering where he was, then after finding him, and screaming for at least an hour before the emergency people got there, I needed doctor's care (another one that Pro hit right on); So, my throat could stop hurting and I could get some sleep.

Another thing that is need: Is that YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE THAT IS CLOSE TO YOU.... EITHER A FRIEND OR RELATIVE, SOMEONE THAT WILL LOOK OUT FOR YOU!!! Sometimes the in-laws try to take over, and you don't know this because you are exhausted, not thinking and are just trying to rest and/or sleeping.

Then, when you awake, you learn that arrangements had been made without your approval. As soon as you can speak to your immediate family alone, do so. For this, you have to ask the inlaws, all the aunts and uncles and all their children, just standing around. Just ask them to leave because you need time for yourselves. So, we left our cell phones in the car and spoke to the funeral director ourselves and corrected what was done without my approval, and do what it is that you want to do for your lost loved one. You see, they were expecting to come in with us and make decisions. This I did not know until I awoke. That's why we left our cell phones in the car. These decisions needed to be made by mom, dad and sister.

Yes, people are Oblivious and will be oblivious, no matter what: If someone happens to read some articles like this, then hopefully, they will watch their tongues. I too, had to bite my tongue (which wasn't too hard), because I knew they meant well, but also knew that they knew no better. Especially the older ones. Never, never say "I know what you are going through" (unless you/they have experienced the exact same loss that you have. Because "you just don't know"; Or that everything happens for a reason (that was the one I hated most hearing; cuz to you, there is absolutely NO REASON for this to have happened.
My point is, when there is extended family involved, these friends/family can help by picking up any relatives that need to be at your home and running any kind of errands that are asked of the family.
For instance our daughter just felt lost because of everything going on, and she want to go out to get some items that she wanted to create something for her brother on her own, so they would be at the Rosary/showing. This is something you can look for. There is confusion and the family walks around like a zombie. Just get a hold of some of the family looking lost and ask/suggest that maybe they had not thought about, but they were willing to take care of.

Bring Food: Friends and co-workers brought over finger foods, many kinds of sandwiches trays, fruit trays, and others brought hot foods like casseroles, and desserts. Another close friend of mine, Bex, the friend who had driven me to find Jeffrey, had brought a Polynesian chicken & rice dish (that was fabulous). Can you believe that she did that?! Bex had walked through the wreckage on the field that was strewn with parts from the vehicle, and personal items thrown from the truck; and climbed down into the creek with me and was sopping wet, and probably in shock, like me. But, she did not leave me in there alone, even though the crowd that had gathered told her to. She told them she could not leave me in there alone. (I learned this a few weeks later.)
Then she goes home and cooks for us? Since I didn't get to eat any of that casserole, she made me some later. I had only eaten some soup and half of a croissant sandwich because DH made me. I can only imagine what was going through Bex's mind, as she only suggested to drive me to find Jeffrey because she knew he was missing. She had not expected to find him at the bottom of a creek. Since all I could not think of anyone else but me and my family, I did not think to ask her how she was doing, until at least a few weeks afterwards, as she was in shock those first few weeks as well.
Other items that were brought, were a large ice chest with ice, drinks and water in it, along with paper plates, plastic-ware, plastic cups and napkins, .
All of these were items that were well received, because these are the last things on your mind, knowing tons of people will converge on your door step. There is something said for wanting to be alone,with the exception of the friends and family that will take the calls and respond for us, and/or take messages.
One thing I would have changed, if I had had the presence of mind to do so; is that I would have asked that all the flowers and plants be diverted to a Scholarship Fund for my son. No one happened to think of that, and I would have been so grateful if they had. Yes, there were tons of plants and flowers from family and friends; but mostly from Jeffrey's friends, Yes, he had TONS of friends. I would have been so grateful for someone to mention that to me. But, I can only imagine the pain and suffering that they themselves were going through.
Music: Most of Jeffery's friends were already here. Some of them, had a very hard time coming into the house, because they couldn't bear to see his room without him in it. All of the girls were sitting outside in the grass, underneath the trees, just crying. We just left them there to come in when they were ready. They eventually came in.
I asked the boys for one of them to please create a CD that Jeffrey would have loved. I could see that the Jeffrey would have not appreciated the "funeral" music normally played. So, all of his friends had input on the songs chosen. I had to ask the Friend who was actually placing the songs on the CD, to PLEASE not put any songs that were violent or have cussing, on it. He assured me he would not.

Although, some of these songs were rather LOUD PUNK! LOL, but Jeffrey had such a VARIETY of music that he liked, even Johnny Cash was on there. It was the last song that Johhny had made before he passed on. The boys tried to capture all of Jeffrey's favorite songs. Well, we knew the Church would not allow this kind of music, so we asked the funeral home and though, they would not allow this music to be played in the main showing room, they did allow us to play our chosen music in another hall within the grounds. During the Rosary, Jeffrey's music played until the Priest started the Rosary.
A funny thing, is that some of the music would be at one level, then another song would play LOUDLY!!!! So, my daughter, who was in charge, asked the attendant to please pay attention to those songs and turn down the music when the music got louder than the other songs! Even though grieving, she took this task upon herself to do. Although, even though I heard the music, I did not know until the Rosary was over and my sweet Daughter (the teacher) told me about that.
One of the unique thing that we did, in agreement with DH & our sweet Daughter (who came up with the idea), was to place stickers on his casket. It was a sight to see. Jeffrey and his friends had collected stickers since their childhood, and just loved the idea. Jeffrey had his childhood door covered with stickers, and he had a shoebox filled with stickers yet to be placed. They all loved the idea! When we announced that at the funeral that, (instead of dirt or roses be placed on the casket) that the stickers would be placed, the Priest was surprised, yet during his last comments to the people, he said "Well, I'm sure the "sisters" (buried just below), will get in some interesting reading." One of the stickers read "Bad Religion ... a band.... (ironic in a sense).....
THIS IS ALL FOR NOW, THE NEXT TIME, I WILL TELL OF THE "FAVORS" for a funeral, (for lack of a better word) THAT I WILL WRITE ABOUT.